Life, roots and values
Sometimes, in order to move forward, we must first go back to the beginning.
Use the knowledge aquired and move forward again.
Recently I’ve implemented some drastic lifestyle changes to my everyday life. this push came after hitting a pretty low point where I was really questioning a lot about my habits and my projected future. It was clear to me that things were going bad and that drastic changes needed to be applied or else I was risking losing a lot of what I spent years working towards.
Perhaps this is a symptom of a midlife moment, perhaps it’s the result of a depression spiral instigated by both covid and my father’s death which has affected me tremendously. regardless of the catalyst, the changes have been applied and will keep getting modified and improved upon and so far I feel much better. For the first time in quite a while I honestly feel ‘good’. I had to say a (possibly temporary) goodbye to a lot of the things I loved, or at least thought I loved. a lot of the things that almost were part of my own identity. I had to perform a complete paradigm shift towrads another world view it feels like. Funnily enough it feels more like i’m going back to my roots rather than going into a even farther direction. certain aspects of my culture and family and traditions that I once despised, are now becoming part of my identity. and it feels good. it feels right. Moving the Canada 11 years ago at a pivotal age gave me a lot of things to learn about and explore and through which open up my mind towards and improve with. the downside of this is, who I was started to become more and more of a blur, a shapeshifting blob that would constnatly adjust and adapt and, sadly, reinvent itself letting go of what it used to be in order to get along or be accepted or just fit in. in the process I lost who I was at the beginning. the bedrock on which I was supposed to improve upon instead of throwing it all out and changing again and again.
The grain of change/realizaion was planted back in May when I went back home for the first time in years in order to handle all the paperwork regarding my father’s passing. It really reminded me of where I come from, and it also emphasised some weaknesses I had and how far I had diverged from the values that I did in fact hold at some point in my life, but for some reason let fade away. I will try to avoid any specific labeling or descriptive wording in order to avoid any unintended offence or irritance from certain people, I might have some antiquated terminology in my head due to my age and my origins, but the importance is the end result and the actions that a person takes.
This will for sure sound very vague and completely incoherent to some people. If you are reading this, you might be even asking yourself at this point, “why am I reading this?”. Well I apologize. this log was never meant to be for the entertainment of the subscribers, rather, a space for my own reflections put out into the world.
Thank you for coming along with me on my journey.